King Morland » Humor

Man Bites Kim Jones’ Pork Chop on a Stick

andrew — Fri, 28 May 2010 13:05:01 +0000

During a segment in the Yankees-Twins game yesterday, YES Network “field” reporter Kim Jones was showing the audience some of the culinary options available at Target Field, the new home of the Twins. After combing through the stadium, Jones decided to use the “pork chop on a stick” to show the outlandish items one can consume at a Twins game (let’s not forget that Yankee Stadium has a full sushi bar). Well, she did her broadcast next to hungry Yankee fan, who decided to take his hunger problem and solve it the best way he could:

BLD/HG Goes to Jury Duty

andrew — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 16:14:45 +0000

I have a little too much going on for a regular post today, so I present to you an email I received on Tuesday from BLD/HG, who was out of the office because of jury duty:

Sitting in jury duty right now. Im in the main room, which isnt bad at all. Comfortable seats and wifi. They block out porn, which is distrubing but I have been on chatroulette a bit. Also, have re-watched the second season of Arrested Development.

Yesterday, I got called into a court room with 70 other potential jurors. There are 4 qualifications to be a juror in NYS. Citizen, over 18, no felonies, and speak english. 10 of the 70 spoke zero english. I tried to do a citizens revocation of their citizenship. They then seated potential jurors 20 at a time and were questioned. (By the way, the case involved a dude accused of assaulting a female police officette and “lewd acts”. I have no doubt that he is guilty as [redacted]. I would have asked for the electric chair….I digress.) I was in the thrid group, so I never got sent to the jurybox, but had the pleasure of watching the 27 year old, half [redacted] assistant district attorney question potential jurors. I am not the least bit scared of ever being convicted of a crime in NYC after watching her performance. She was lectured numerous times by the judge and laughed out by me and my english speaking contmeporaries. (She was a potential CD also.)

Hopefully, I will be sent packing before lunch.

A Chimp Walks Into a Rehab Facility…

andrew — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 21:22:16 +0000

An article was recently passed along to me from the Montreal Gazette about a Russian chimpanzee that is being sent to a rehab clinic to try to rid him of his difficult addictions. What are those addictions you ask? Well, you’d automatically assume that this chimp was slowly killing itself by eating 50-75 bananas a day, right?

Unfortunately, you’d be wrong. He’s addicted to booze and cigarettes.

And shockingly, the picture above is not the chimp in question. That is actually another chimp with the same problems!

Click here for the full story.

Application for Federal Bail Out Program, 2008-2009

andrew — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:57:55 +0000

FW: 9 words women use

andrew — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 21:39:31 +0000

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6..) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s
wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

FWD: Spread the Stupidity

andrew — Tue, 06 May 2008 22:16:47 +0000

Only in America…..do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while the healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America …..do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ……do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Is This the Funniest Headline Ever?

andrew — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:17:00 +0000